There is no bigger story in American political history than the heist of our nation’s highest office pulled off by an ex-KGB bandit known as Shirtless Vlad. Sure, wars and terrorist attacks are big and important stories, but those stories usually involve galvanizing Americans against a common enemy. The Putin story, on the other hand, is far more sinister: it involves a foreign enemy duping Americans into galvanizing against themselves for the purpose of sidelining (if not destroying) what we will call, for lack of a better term, the American Empire. Stories don’t get bigger than that.

ciaAnd as to that story, there was no bigger day than last Friday. Last Friday crystalized the two critical components of the story: 1) the consensus across US intelligence agencies (confirmed Friday in a written report) that Shirtless Vlad had ordered a campaign to intervene in and alter the course of a US presidential election; and 2) the steadfast refusal of a soon-to-be president of the United States to take America’s side over the other side – the one personified by Shirtless Vlad and albino rapist Julian Assange.

Surely the American media was going to spend all day Friday combing through the intelligence report issued by the US intelligence community, grilling politicians about how they’re going to respond to it, and commenting on the breathtaking subversion of our political system at the hands of the President-elect himself. Right?

No, of course not. You know why? Because some fecal dust bunny dangling from the ass of humanity decided to shoot up Baggage Claim Carousel Two after being instructed to do so by the voices who stowed away in his head as he flew home (on a different flight some time ago) from our elective war in Iraq. That’s right: a deranged lunatic who legally possessed a firearm in a place where a firearm should never be decided to use it against random poor souls who made the mistake that day of existing in public. In other words, just another day in the badass USA.

hurrThe mainstream media in this country can’t resist a mass shooting. The only thing better is a hurricane. These events require nothing more than that media types show up with cameras and beam images of mayhem all over the country as they report breathlessly that either a) the obvious is happening (for example, if it’s hurricane coverage, that the wind is blowing really hard) or b) that we don’t know anything, but politicians are promising to get to the bottom of this, dammit.

When something like a shooting or a hurricane happens, the media is off the hook. They don’t have to investigate; they don’t have to analyze; they don’t have to work for it. They just have to show up, put a camera on it, and get Clint Van Zandt on Skype to tell us how much we don’t know yet.

The result on Friday was predictable. After the intelligence community issued a report outlining the biggest scandal in American political history, CNN and MSNBC spent five straight hours talking about a shooting in Fort Lauderdale without mentioning the report ONE SINGE TIME.

This is why, if we are to have any collective consciousness about the serial travesties about to befall this country, it will be up to people like you and us to give them the attention they warrant. The media is busy chasing shiny objects.

The Chimps are on it. You be too.

UPDATE: It is now Sunday night. The media should be all over the biggest political story of our lifetimes. But that story has been preempted yet again — and this time not because something happened, but because VIDEO has emerged of something that happened before: you guessed it! The Fort Lauderdale shooting! This shiny object has now excused the media from making the theft of the American presidency its lead story for a whole weekend! There’s nothing like some hot new footage of a lazy, predictable story to throw the media off the scent of our impending international irrelevance. Here is CNN’s take on the state of the world tonight: