BREAKING NEWS: Out of that cesspit of GOP-control known as Washington, D.C.!
Physicists have announced the discovery of a first-of-a-kind irony singularity so powerful that space-time itself may be at risk of destruction. Details are still emerging but at this point, here’s what the Chimps know.
The House GOP voted yesterday to gut its ethical watchdog, the Office of Congressional Ethics. Inasmuch as this would be expected from a party that would elevate an ethically-bankrupt, malignant narcissist like Donald Trump to what was, until recently, the most respected office in the world, yesterday’s move alone posed no threat to the space-time continuum.
But then today, in one of his familiar early-morning bouts of twitterrhea, Donald Trump said this:
With all that Congress has to work on, do they really have to make the weakening of the Independent Ethics Watchdog, as unfair as it … may be, their number one act and priority. Focus on tax reform, healthcare and so many other things of far greater importance! #DTS
Yes, you read that correctly. Donald Trump, a finalist in the “Most Ethically Bankrupt Douchebag in the History of National Politics” sweepstakes, pinched off a tweet critical of the House GOP because the House GOP announced its own entry for that same prize. Or maybe he’s just jealous that House Republicans had enough sack to openly announce their plans to screw the country without so much as a reach around. We’re really not sure.
Regardless, the resulting irony singularity, hotter and denser than any seen by scientists before, threatens to punch a hole in space-time big enough to swallow every irony meter in existence. Experts warn all irony meter owners to secure their machines in a lead-lined container, one secure from the effects of any Trump twitterrhea, for at least the next 48 hours.
The Chimps will follow developments here closely, and will, of course, report any breaking news as it reaches us.